Discipline or Punishment: Is There a Difference?

One of the many areas in which there's overlap between parenting and weight management is in the area of discipline versus punishment. Most people see no distinction between these terms, perhaps in part because "parenting experts" don't, either. I recently did some Internet research for a presentation on parenting, and every site I found used the terms interchangeably.

That's sad, because there's a tremendous difference between discipline and punishment. Simply put, discipline is teaching, or coaching. Punishment is making someone feel bad, by causing pain, fear, or shame. My son once described punishment as "something you wouldn't want your kid to do to himself when he does the wrong thing." I couldn't agree more. Parents who use punishment are saying, essentially, "You've been bad, and now you deserve to feel bad. You deserve to feel pain, fear, and shame. If you don't feel bad, you'll never change."

Over the years, I've come to see dieting, or what I refer to as the diet mentality, as a form of self-punishment. The unspoken message of dieting is, "You've been bad, and now you deserve to feel bad. You deserve to feel pain, fear, and shame. You deserve feeling hungry, worrying about whether you'll get enough, feeling ashamed of your body. If you don't feel bad, you'll never change."

Frankly, I couldn't disagree more, whether the topic is parenting or weight management. My experience as both dietitian and parent educator has taught me that people, whether they're grown-up or young, are far more likely to change when they believe in themselves, and when others around them freely express their belief in them. It's not that different from working with other animals: If you want your dog to jump through hoops, you're better off giving it a treat when it does, rather than swatting it with a newspaper when it doesn't.

The difference between discipline and punishment is one reason I wholeheartedly reject calorie requirements, points systems, and other methods designed to control, restrict, and micromanage eating habits. Yes, it's good to know my estimated daily calorie intake is 1,600 calories, so I can decide just how much of In-N-Out's 800-calorie milkshake is a good idea. However, not eating when I'm still hungry, just because I've reached the "magic" number 1,600, is punishment, not discipline.

Of course, the flip side of punishment isn't discipline; it's neglect. We'll talk next month about permissive parenting, and its effect on weight management. For now, I encourage you to consider whether you're focusing on self-teaching and self-coaching, because those are the skills that make up self-discipline. If you've been using punishment to somehow motivate you, there's no better time than now to stop hurting yourself, and start treating yourself with dignity and respect.