Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Feeling Angry? Check This Out!


“Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.” – Lyman Abbott

Did the people who raised you teach you how to be angry? Are you comfortable expressing anger, and can you manage your anger appropriately? For many of us, the answers to these questions make us uncomfortable: We haven’t learned how to express anger at all, or we allow our anger to turn into rage.

Either way, that’s unfortunate, because our feelings so often dictate our behavior. When our feelings are out of control, it usually leads to out-of-control behavior—including eating behavior. For example, you might eat to smother anger “because it’s not nice to get mad.” Or, you may let anger turn to rage, then eat “because I need to calm myself down.”

Because the function of food is to nurture our bodies, not manage our feelings, eating to control emotions generally doesn’t end well. When we manage our feelings appropriately, managing our eating is considerably easier. So, it’s worthwhile to make sure we’re managing our feelings, including anger, as effectively as we can.

Many people learn, either directly or indirectly, that anger is “bad” or “wrong.” There’s nothing inherently wrong with anger, per se. That said, anger becomes unhealthy when it’s a cover for another uncomfortable feeling. When someone cuts you off in traffic, you might respond with an angry comment or gesture. Does anger really make sense in that moment, though? When someone puts you in physical danger, a more reasonable response is fear.

So, why do we see road rage, instead of road fear? The answer is simple: Anger creates distance. When we need to create distance in relationships, anger is the right response. But when the needed emotional response is sadness, fear, or guilt, responding with anger creates distance between us and the situation. But it also creates distance between us and our feelings underneath the anger.

That’s unfortunate, because the feelings from which we distance ourselves don’t go away. You can run, but you can’t hide from your feelings! Instead, it makes more sense to feel our feelings as we experience them, even when they’re not fun. Once we experience our feelings fully, they fade away.

An equally common challenge in managing anger is keeping it from turning into rage. Many of us were raised by parents who allowed themselves to get out of control when they got angry. Sometimes that creates an unconscious expectation that sounds like, “Now that I’m an adult, I can do what I want!” Unfortunately, that’s not a very healthy perspective. Most of us really want to act on the expectation, “I do the right thing, no matter what.” Getting so angry that you hurt yourself, others, or things is rarely the right thing to do, and it often leaves us feeling worse instead of better.

Are you ready to work on managing your anger more effectively? Here are a few starting points:

Be aware of your feelings. Practice identifying anger as soon as it starts, so you can connect with just how angry you are. When anger comes up, approach it with curiosity: Is there another feeling underneath? If so, what is it? How can you deal with that emotion, instead of getting angry?

Have a plan. If you’re the type to slide right from anger into rage, plan ahead. Count backward from ten in a foreign language, practice controlled breathing, or have a calming mantra handy. If you tend to let your anger simmer, make a plan to talk with others about resentments when they’re minor, rather than waiting until things are unbearable.

I’m not one to let my feelings simmer quietly, so I practice approaching my anger with curiosity, and asking myself, “Under my anger, what am I really feeling?”Sometimes I’m genuinely mad, but because feeling fear is hard for me, under my anger I often find fear. When I address my feelings of fear, it’s sometimes overwhelming how well things go for me! What about you? Where are you with managing your anger? Sound off below!

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